What the hell is wrong with my eyes? My jaw is so painful and I am wondering if I have been beaten up? Oddly, considering my whole body is aching, and I cannot see, my fear and anxiety seem low. My head is so sore and my thoughts scrambled, my mind feels like it’s in slow mode. What is this all about? Possibly I am dying, after all, having seen so many die, it is not irrational to consider these symptoms, I do have a lot of peace considering the circumstances, which I have witnessed so many times. So hard to think, struggling to organise my thoughts and so weak I cannot move. If this is death, and I am seriously thinking it is, it is a poor way to go! I need to try harder, I need to fight back, I know how to fight back, intuitively it feels like somehow I may have spent my whole life doing it. Wish I could remember things, even my age of all things is beyond me. I know I am not a young fellow, but I am not sure what year I was born and have no idea what day it is. God help me!, My memories are so fragmented!
Why do I know so much about dying and have vague memories of experiences with people in their final moments? The inabilities I am experiencing seem very much like the lifelessness I had seen. I recall a woman lying in a hospital bed lifeless as I feel, her eyes closed and unable to talk. Maybe I worked in a medical profession? I remember clearly her son saying I wonder if she can even hear us. What the fuck is this? What a shitty situation, and what the hell has gone on. Fuck this, I need to make some efforts to function. My arms are so heavy, but I can lift my right slightly, same as the left, but it’s like a huge weight is on them. Who knows, perhaps I only imagined they are lifting? What about my legs? Seems like the same deal. Clearly, I am still breathing, but my jaw pain is excruciating now. It is all I can feel, what is wrong with it?
My jaw won’t open and I can feel my teeth so tightly clenched that is adding to my misery. I wish I could scream, however, my jaw is too excruciating. This is absolutely horrible. Perhaps this is the point I need to surrender to my fate and drift off into eternity. I don’t feel like dying today, I am too confused to pass away. I want some explanations. I need to understand who I am and what the hell is going on. Maybe I am all on my own stuck in a car wreck, or who knows what? Breath, slow breath, I know I have been a mediator, not entirely sure why or how but I know my breath is a key. If I just focus on breathing, maybe I can regain some more cognitive functions. The fogginess in my head is terrible, feels like I am missing part of my mind. Why would I not recognise who I am? Breathe, count your breath, one, two, three, four and start again. Maybe this is my best bet just focus on my breath.
The pain is unendurable in my Jaw, however, the focused attention on my breath strangely has reduced the intensity. Just regulating my breath has noticeably cleared my mind a little too. I remembered my name is Seth Jones, but how old am I, more importantly, where the hell do I come from? I tell myself more breathing and less obsessing over things that may or may never be answered. The pain has reduced still more in my jaw. Holy shit my calf is cramping, fuck it’s fully cramped. The pain grips me like a vice, as it subsides I can only think dying is worse than I ever thought. Excruciating pain and no way to obtain help. Only suffering and feeling incomprehensible hopelessness. Hurry up and die is beginning to be my only recurring thought. It’s just something that happens, here I am stuck in limbo. I was trying to piece yesterday or any recent experiences that might shine some light in my dark hour.
The focus on my breathing has helped my mind to gain some traction. I am beginning to feel a little more cognizant, well, to the point I am aware at least I am in a bed and my eyes are covered with a bandage I imagine. Beats laying in some car wreck all on my own or some other tragic scenario. Strangely, I cannot hear a sound and now I have settled a little, my sense of smell has discovered something foul, not sure what it is but it’s horrendous. I hope I was not into some underhanded business and have been part of an abdication, torture type of situation. It feels like every muscle in my body is aching and that calf, I hope is not a glimpse of what is coming. My judgement may be getting sharper, but my ability to move has not improved. I might just breathe and continue counting my breath, it seems like the only practical thing I can do. My breath seems completely normal and fascinatingly no pain in my chest or in my stomach. The stress in my jaw, which is undesirable, but starting to be the least of my concerns. I cannot conceive of anything worse! My face and jaw have softened and I can feel my tongue moving comfortably now. I slowly open my mouth and get the softest whisper, “Help!” Pathetic, who the hell would hear that? So weak and unhelpful.
Slow down, and count one, two, three and four, relax and just asses all of my beings I keep encouraging myself. Wriggling my toes encourages me and reassured me I am not crippled. Fuck that calf again and this time it’s also the toes. I could hear myself letting out soft wimpy noises as the spasms seem to last forever and the pain feels like it’s shot through my entire nervous system. I can feel my extreme body heat as the cramps slowly settle. No more wriggling toes, stuff moving, the cramps are unbearable. My mind is back on, “ hurry up an die” just go and get it over with, I am done here. This dying is difficult work and I am over it, please just end it. I can feel my whole body covered in sweat, the heat is intense and adding to the anxieties that have slowly increased. The increase in anxieties has started to affect my stomach, perhaps I will shit myself. Perhaps I have already shit myself, but that horrendous smell does not smell like shit. It’s so potent it would mask my shit smell anyway and the lack of movement makes it hard to really tell if I am lying in my own excrements. At present I have cramps in my bowel, near my lower intestines, it’s not as painful as the calf but seems to be increasing. I must settle my anxiety, it’s only happened since it increased. Seth breath, breath buddy, I keep saying to myself. After all, it’s the only thing I have any control of.
It’s astonishing how important my breath has become! How long have I been out? Possibly a couple of hours or as little as thirty minutes. Pain has a way of dragging time, intuitively our biological instincts seem universal, vividly remembered or not I am finding certain aspects of my mind just knows the deal. The deal is dying sucks and time is my taskmaster. It’s becoming really apparent that my immediate focus on my breath, which came so instinctively, gives me the impression I have had many years of experience in meditation. Otherwise, how could I have known my breath would hold such wonderful calming qualities. Gets me wondering if I am some sort of spiritual guy, if so why would I be involved in something sinister? Possibly I am just sick, suffering from some miss fortunate accident, even coma, or just neurologically damage. Whatever the obsessive thoughts are terrifying when I go away from my breath. Who the hell am I, anyway? What the fuck is it about this place? Round and round I go again.
Trying to shout out, and scream only ends in a pathetic whisper still. What a predicament, what a completely incomprehensible situation.
At least my jaw has some normal movement and my aches and pain seem a little less intolerable. No bloody cramps, mind you I am too fucking scared to progress to any move. Maybe I will try again, immediately my anxieties start to rise at the thought but I must try. I must, this cannot be Seth’s story. Tentatively, I determined to attempt to raise my right arm after all the cramp was my calf. Slowly I can feel some elevation, and so it just stops abruptly, why? I start to release it has a restaurant attached to it. Holy shit, am I handcuffed to a bed? My anxieties hit an all-time high, so high I have lost my breathing technique and starting to pant. I sense fear, it’s like a huge shadow engulfing me. My chest is thumping and I scream, of course, it’s only a whimper, but as my internal world completely explodes I feel a lightness happening. The heaviness and pain seem to have vanished. I can visualize a white ceiling. Impossible, is this it, my spirit is departing. I can hear a door open and a person comes in but because of my overwhelming experience, the detail did not concern me. I was understandably lost in my lightness and getting shocked at the white ceiling getting closer.
Next thing I know I feel heavy again, but strangely numb. My energy is draining, my mind fading down. With a gasp, I realize I must have passed out, the lightness was the first thing I thought of, and clearly a person administered some kind of medication, however else could I feel pain-free. Disappointed that I still have no way of seeing with something wrapped around my head. I did see the ceiling through floating, what the hell? It felt great, so great, and so profound that my critically needed assessment of my circumstances was neglected. Consequently, all I know is a room with a bloody white ceiling, great, just what I needed. At least I am pain-free and feeling a little more confident that death may not be so inevitable. Possibly recovering coma might be a more logic explication? However, bounded to the bed is not comforting. I may have had seizures I am guessing and they are just protecting me. After all, falling out of bed would be extremely hazardous and counterproductive. My breathing again is helping me generate some type of direction. How long was I out of consciousness for? Impossible to tell, however, I now know someone will come back eventually and even though I can only whimper, it will be enough.
I can hear someone or can I? Strange it feels more like a thought not audibly but in my head. It’s a woman talking to herself about her recent experiences with a guy she has been flirting with. “ I wish I could get him to notice me,” she says. “ If only I could figure out how to get his attention?”
She moves on, “My last relationship was so discouraging on so many levels and I am sick of thinking about it but how can I forget the guy? Sleeping with my best friend when I was working late one night. They both denied to this day, but I can recount how she looked at him. Anyways, why would my neighbours lie about her being at my place anyway? That fucker really hurt me and my best friend is just a trashy whore. Fuck them, only this guy is different after all he is younger and seems so kind. He is so handsome and appears like he has it all together. Perhaps I need to clean my act up a little, new hair style and lose a few kilograms. I have let myself go, it’s that ex moron who has done this to me. To add to my emotional state, I lost my best friend, life without her is worse than a life without out him.
Why do I keep regurgitating this old crap from six months ago? I am such a head case these days, so messed up. That guy doesn’t even notice me, why would he, I look washed out and constantly tired. God, thirty-five and no kids or boyfriend, little own husband. I simply want to be normal like my friends and family. I know I would make a great wife if my bloody therapy helped more. Feels like at times my therapist is adding to my troubles in life. I have been praying since I was a kid and look at me. Absolutely abandoned by God, maybe he doesn’t like me either or is he just my imaginary friend? ” Why the hell can I hear her thoughts? It is not like I willed it or even know how it goes on. It’s so real, can I be sure? It is just audible hallucinations. God, my head is going deep in thoughts of being someone whose spiritual, why I have no clue. Logic would say the women who attended to me before, administering medications and had caused it. Simple pharmaceutical side effects, that’s all it is I keep thinking.
Her thought is more irritating than mine at present, she is neurotic. She circles round the same miserable Senecio in her head over and over again. I go on reminding myself she is not real, however, she’s louder than me at times, making it hard to believe she is just a fabrication of my mind. Eventually, she shuts up, thank God, it was making my head unbelievably tense. Mind you, she is no different to me when it comes to running around in circles in my mind. My mind is growing even more obsessed with this spiritual man’s notion. Growing tired, feeling defeated and hoping for another visit. Beginning to wonder after the girl episode, if anything, the floating especially, but the visit also maybe my mind’s reaction to such hopelessness and despair. After all neurological disorders could make anything. Particularly when the head, assuming the bandage is evidence of a cranium injury. I hope my eyesight returns when they remove the bandages.
All the possibilities in the world have raced through my mind, truth be told, I am at a complete loss. So much pain and confusion. So much despair, its sad and I can feel a deep sadness come over me. I begin to cry, I try to hold back but the flood gate are open. My emotions start to override everything, including my breathing exercise. Just crying, full of self-pity. Poor Seth, why me? What the hell is happening? Round and round the sadness and misery goes. I start to quieten down and began to get go. Let go of it all, no fighting, obsessing just relax. Deep breaths and forgetting about everything. Who care what’s happening…who cares?
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